@hammy Your take on maturity is about as valuable as marriage advice from Zsa Zsa Gabor. By the way, I was interested to read in your latest BBC column that you found the 26 buttons on my steering wheel too much to handle and would prefer to reduce it to 10, or roughly the number of buttons on the average games console controller.

@nico Sure Goldilocks. Lesson of the day: overtake first, ask permission later, or rather never. Therein lies the difference between a German mulitple world champion, ie, Schumi and Baby Schumi, and a German nappy-wetter, ie. Britney.

@rubens Indeed Rubens, even though I can barely contain my pride at my protege, I accept what he did was completely wrong - a truly great champion never apologises.

@diResta Yeah, robbed, Sutil's out for a year and leads the race while you were preparing your excuses for your post-race love-in with the BBC.

@hammy As a clue-less ex-driver let me summarize the Oz GP for my former employers. Promising testing and qualifying pace raises expectations which are swiftly tempered by reliability and tyre degradation issues in the race. Or was that 2012? Hmmm, history does have a habit of repeating itself, hopefully.

@JV Not quite the case Mozart. Apparently the reliability issues were traced to a disgruntled employee playing your CD on repeat at the Dreamliner assembly plant. They're considering suing you for industrial sabatoge. Congrats dipstick.

@JV It reeks more of Pedigree Chum me thinks. That championship really is a who's who of Brazilian talent, Pizzonia, Zonta, Burti, and now Barrichello. The Betty Ford clinic takes in fewer rejects than that. By the way Kojak, I heard Boeing have found a solution to their latest crisis through your music.

@rubens Rule 1: Don't get caught. Rule 2: Never confess, ever! I heard you were shipped off to the Brazilian stock car championship after finishing 12th in your "rookie" Indycar season. Maybe you should go on Oprah, she likes interviewing disgraced has-beens with no employment prospects.

@SuzukiPerry Ok, us F1 peasants can be open-minded. Maybe we'll give you a chance then. You seem to know what's going on, and most importantly you've already mentioned my good self.

@fernando Funny how she suddenly decided F1 entered the real motorsport category when the BBC offered her a new contract to travel the world to present it.

@fernando And brainlessly moaned about the lack of overtaking in F1, claiming it wasn't real motorsport, thereby implying all F1 fans were clueless idiots?

@fernando Is that the same Suzi Perry who used to present the Beeb's MotoGp coverage?

@TheIncredibleHulk Well Lewis, welcome to the "yellow helmet plus Shitbox" era. As for you Di Resta, motorsport historians might remember Brazil for you stuffing your car backwards into a wall. Strangely, unlike your teammate and Perez, the next "F1 superstar" wasn't snapped up by any teams. Christ, even the BBC started ignoring you after your season turned shit.

@JV Then you'll be delighted to hear the ceasefire in Gaza came about because the Israeli's and Palestinians finally found something they hate more than each other... your music. They're shipping a container of your CD's out there so they can both fire rockets at it. Congratulations twathead.

@JV Well shit-for-brains, you really need to grow some hair. We don't need a lesson in maturity from a gimp who learned Spa on a Playstation. By the way, you might want to hear how that album of yours, despite being something Chesney Hawkes would be embarrassed by, is bringing peace to the planet.

@JV Loosen up twathead. In any case I heard your album was given an obscene rating for being so offensively crap. Also, look up my pitlane speech to Coulthard at Spa 1998 to see proper usage of swear-words.

@IceMan Given my own chances of winning on my comeback were hampered by driving a silver crapbox for three years, count yourself lucky to have had a good car Kimi.

Jeez, I thought I was the biggest expert in making FIA punishments meaningless. Nice job there at McLaren, getting tax back on a $100 million fine for stealing intellectual property.

@johnny Funny thing Herbert, the amount of time you spent on the podium last Sunday was about the length of your average GP. As for The Flying Snot, your opinion is so highly valued that even Grosjean rejected your offer of advice, twice... Next time, ask him out in private and spare yourself the embarrassment.

@schumi Ah Dannii, the ugly duckling who never quite became a swan. Third last in the DTM series, wow. I'm starting to think having Jimmy Saville as a relative would have brought less disgrace to the family than you.